I’m relaxing here in my hammock listening to podcasts and I have this feeling. It’s like a rock is getting bigger and bigger in my gut. I feel guilty and worthless. I’m currently unemployed, I have little desire to apply for a job and I’m waiting on things. Turns out I hate waiting. Waking up every day after sleeping in not having anything to do or a place to be- is torture. My friends are working so they’re unavailable, I’m totally alone. I’m skating by and I hate it.
I’ve been a driven person since I was little. I put one thing in front of me and ran at it full speed. We all have this need to move forward and contribute. In the job I recently quit I was trapped. I felt I’d mastered everything they had given me so I started looking elsewhere. I started volunteering with Search and Rescue (SAR) so it gives me something to do at least twice a month, plus when people are in need. I’ve learned about myself recently that I am incredibly externally motivated. I love helping people. But when I don’t have a job, my friends don’t need company, and I’ve run out of fun things to do shit goes downhill fast. I go to the woods to fill my time with something meaningful to me, but it’s not productive. Our society is totally focused on being productive and I can’t tell or justify this resistance I have because I know my depression twists my words in my head. It’s hard to think clearly. Is it ok that I’ve spent most days in the last week not accomplishing anything?
It makes me think of when I was working, what did I do with my free time? Well I stayed at home watching Netflix for most of it. Socializing when others were available and occasionally doing really fun things. The free time is the same on a day off as it is for me right now. And I’m not spending it very differently. I think I should be. But should is a terrible word. I think I could be spending my time better. I worry that if I start doing lots of things now when I get a job I’ll have to give them up and that will let people down. I hate letting people down, it eats me up more than most things.
Too much free time let’s me think too much. But it also brings up things I bury away and try to ignore. Such as: what do I want? What a stupid question. I don’t know what I want. Some people do. I knew what I wanted until I had it and then I didn’t even notice when I moved past it. Moving past something you always wanted without noticing is scary. Now obviously I’m not totally past it because I still think about it. It doesn’t matter what it is the real question is am I festering on it because I want it back or because it’s comfortable? I spent 23 years leading to that place and the 3 years since then I’ve been drowning in place. I have no direction, I can’t find the shore. There are things that bring a strong sense of enjoyment, a large dose of dopamine, but if I just do those things won’t it wear off? What is the right direction then? Happiness is more than just enjoyment. I want to be content with my contribution to life and I’m not sure how to do that yet.